So, the PAC bloggers are doing a blogging Carnival on Passions and I am asking myself, what is my passion?
Honestly, Passion was not something I thought of much, nor did it bother me.
I kind of flitted around happily like a butterfly. Just going where I went and accepting it as what was meant to be. This was more so in my elementary years and young adult years. Shoot teen years are kind of blank for me and I remember many, many mean young folks, who broke my Pollyanna bubble. But I just kept walking, walking away from troublesome folks.
Young adult years were better as all the troubled folks seemed to not be around me for the most part. And those were were trouble, I just felt sorry for. But as time passed and human nature in its brokenness surrounded me, I again felt the pangs of betrayal, lies and agendas riddled with selfishness. And yeah, I probably fit in there too, especially in the selfish part. Anyhow, the butterfly was loosing its color, but not its flutter.
I went to college to be a nurse, but preferred the idea of pharmacist, however that involved waiting another year. So by default I picked nursing, afterall it was science and I loved science. I got my BSN and worked many years as a nurse. I dated and decided never to marry, but ended up married.
Nursing was great, so much to learn. But even with all that learning, I found the relational, care giving aspect good and also sad, very sad. This is where many medical professionals develop the clinical personality. Shoot if you submit to your emotions, you will get nothing done. So, efficiency becomes a priority. And yes you still get heartbroken in the clinical personality, but you at least can operate effectively.
So, here again I saw that many of my alleged passions changed, so I tread lightly and tried to remain more like the butterfly.
Not necessarily willfully……just who I was. I saw so many with negative passions, out of control, then I saw the idealists who never accomplished their ideal, the pessimist had passion in their negativity to bring others down, optimist had great ideas but not always with feet planted on the ground, then the realist…………..awe perhaps this is me.
But then what is reality?
What is your reality, what is my reality? Whats the purpose, why are we here? Why do people suffer? Why do people kill? Why do people call abortion a choice? Do babies have choices? And oh so many questions? Where do the stars end, do they end? Stuck with so many unanswered questions sent me into practical atheism then agnosticism.
But atheism didn’t last too long.
I started seeing things that man could not answer. Oh, some intellectuals with finite minds and no faith have answers, but they are sooo limited. I do not remember how or why, but I found prayer important. And as I prayed I drew closer to God and my faith given to me as a child, a child who was happy and free….like the butterfly. As I continued to embrace my faith and the sacraments(encounters with Christ), I was becoming different….you know that old metanoia. I guess I had fallen into the caterpillar category(crawling with the mundane) and now was headed back to the freedom of the butterfly again. I wish I could say all was joyous and wonderful. My inner spirit was freed, but the world remains the same and this makes me sad.
When I visited Israel and stood in various places, Jesus walked……I felt some of His pain. When he looked at Jerusalem and wept, saying how HE Longed to be like a mother hen and protect His chicks, but they would not come to HIM. This was a sad place to stand.
The Via Delarosa where Jesus carried His cross and people spit on HIM, mocked and jeered Him. WE walked it and had orthodox Jews spit as we approached and Muslim and Jewish woman alike sneering and pushing us out of the way. We stayed on one side with plenty of room for others to pass. How sad, I thought….people have not changed. And this too made me sad at a deep level (not angry or hateful). They do not know the loving heart of the Merciful Messiah. I could go on, but will not as I wrote too much already. I remembered Jesus words on the Cross, “Father forgive them, they know not what they do!” And so I do as He asks.
So, what is my real passion?
My passion is to follow Jesus and bring His message of forgiveness, mercy and love to anyone and all who will listen. So, now you know what my passion is. And I kind of do not like that phrase, “what is my/your passion?” I prefer to say, how can I help others? What can I and should I do. What does God want me to do? I am not an expert in anything and not an expert about God, who is?
But I know if you seek HIS heart, you will find Him.